by W. Hock Hochheim
The Tactical Crap. No, I don't mean "talking shit" about tactical stuff. I actually mean taking a tactical crap. Time to time, I mention in seminars that I once attended a police street survival school years ago where for one period in the training we were taught how to take an official Tactical Shit. You know, a Warrior Defecation. A poop in the wrong place at the wrong time. I mean, you have gear. You have a gun. And sometimes, you just gotta go deuce in dangerous places. You just can't stall finding a stall.
Attendees laugh when they hear me say this, but there are, here and there, official Crap outlines. There are also some big name speakers out there easily misleading people, poor rookies and so forth, into thinking that just about every time someone jumps up and says "boo!" you will be peeing and pooping right there in your underpants. This, of course, is a bunch of crap. (Literally. I hope you are following this.) This pro-poop position causes some constipation, er … I mean ... consternation among many trainers. But there is much to learn about this subject, so take a seat.
PPCT's controversial Bruce Siddle and then Killology's poster boy Dave Grossman have preached the defunct and disproved yet still somehow mindlessly taught Heart Rate/Performance Chart. In the odd chart, when your heart hits 175 beats a minute - it is CONDITION BLACK (or maybe it should be called Condition Black Stool?). The results include "Irrational fight or flee, freezing, submissive behavior, voiding of bladder and bowels." Just imagine all those poor bicyclists on a hillside. This has led to articles and lectures at police academies, where the shallow instructors have declared to recruits that not only must they face the occasional gun battle and otherwise fights for their lives, but they will also be filling their pants then and there.
I read one police magazine article awhile back where the opening line actually was,
"Why isn't Dirty Harry running to the bathroom in each gunfight?"
The author claimed that each gunfight will raise your heart rate to poop-potential. His bio and photo showed him to be a young police instructor. He'd bought into the whole Siddle tact-crap-scare, full pot-stock-and-barrel. Completely. Did the police magazine buy it, too, by publishing the article? Imagine being a rookie and reading all this. Hearing these lectures. "Okay, now that we have scared you enough about gunfights, rookie, you will also be crapping loads in your pants!" Wear diapers to work.
But now, back to uniform crap. That's a lot of crap to do to take off for an average police crap. In many crappers, there is not a good hook or place to hang a heavy police “Sam Brown” belt, so you have to plan for this kind of police crap in advance. In the police patrol business when you crap, many officers disconnect the police Sam Brown belt held in place on the pant's top via "keepers." The keepers attach the Sam Brown belt to the pants belt. The pants belt itself is looped from the actual belt loops on your pants. Removing the Sam Brown police belt allows one to undo one's pants for the impending crap. I will admit and tell you from experience that removing the Sam Brown makes for a more relaxed, luxurious crap.
No big hooks? Do you now lay the Sam Brown belt on the bacteria-infested tile floors of John and Jane Q. Public bathroom floors? In view of all other "pee-ers" and neighboring crappers? In suspect-infested territories (yikes!), we were advised to keep the belt attached to us. Attached via keepers to the pants. This way, the local “suspect-infesto” cannot tactically sneak up to your stall, reach under, and snatch your Batman belt from under the floor or stall door! Gone would be your gun, your Star Trek Taser, your customized mags, your water purifier, your shank, shark repellant, and all other vital emergency gear on your belt. All your stuff would be dispersed among the common population.
When crapping in these “crap-might-hit-the-fan” locales, we were instructed to loop the Sam Brown belt around our neck and one arm like a bandoleer. Then sit down. You might keep the gun in the belt holster or in your hanging underwear "holster" before you. You know the crotch of the underwear is at your ankles. You might appear to look like a militant, Mexican revolutionary to the accidental, daydreaming, door-puller, but you are still good to go, amigo! Viva la Crap Revolution!
Like I said, some officials leave the Sam Brown belt connected to the pants belt. Then the whole shebang drops to the ankles. This can be done, too, when you don't have time for all the other crap. It is now called in tactical classes and gun magazines as the Larry “Liverpool” Johnson "Shebang Drop," invented by Larry Johnson, respected Range Master and CEO-CFO of Tactical, Urban Commandants, Limited/Unlimited. (You know everything tactical needs an inventor.) Then your emergency quick-draw is like a seated ankle-holster draw.
I assume the pending "Go-Pro" cameras each officer will soon be wearing will have to be turned off while on the crap trip, whether in safe or unsafe turf. Then the camera turned back on when mission complete. All times recorded and stamped. This means that anal retentive supervisors will soon know exactly how long your crap trips are on average. Take one over average? With all numbers crunched, the Sarge may question you about this.
"On August 12 at 4:16 p.m., you remained camera-off
in a stall for 24 minutes. Why?"
If you don't think this can happen? If you don't think such supervisors exist? You have never been in military or police work.
What if you forget to turn the cam off and go in and do your business live? Humming or reading the newspaper? This has happened for TV and radio news people with attached radio mikes. Well, what a show for the dispatch office! And for subsequent briefings and even perhaps YouTube? It would be so bad it could create a lifelong nickname! The next "Dirty" Harry might be caught not wiping enough?
Commodes on the Firing Line
I suggest everyone practice shooting from these stall positions at the range ASAP. Somewhere, an oh-so-wise training sarge, being thorough and all, will prepare a live-fire outline for the tactical crap for the range. Imagine a series of commodes on the firing line. (Don't laugh, it took a lot of work to get 15 used commodes for the range.
Standing officers at the ready ...
"Lids up! Pants down! Liverpool Shebang Drop. Sit on commode! Eyes and ears.
Draw from your ankle level holster and FIRE!"
You follow up with a “get off the X-commode” move. It's restricted footwork. It's sort of a pants-down jog called the “Slivers Shuffle,” invented by William “Break-Neck” Slivers, respected Range Master and CEO-CFO of Ultimate Lethal Force Nuke Destruction, LLT. Mr. Slivers, suitably tattooed and bearded, invented the shuffle; ergo, the move is tagged to his name.
There is obviously a whole lot of crap about taking the tactical crap, all while left of bang, bang and right of bang. Are you ready? Are you REALLY ready for the tactical crap lifestyle?
Hock's three novels so far....